


Us Against the World

by mecchi



Category: Super Junior
Genre: 83line, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Gen, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 20:15:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14838467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mecchi/pseuds/mecchi
Summary: Heechul walked in on Leeteuk who was well on his way to having a panic attack.





	Us Against the World

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from an Epik High's song of the same name. The song made me feel things I don't want to feel :(
> 
> This is a work of pure fiction, sorry for any inaccuracies and OOC-ness. Set around the time right before Play was released. Ard sept/oct 2017?
> 
> Btw, as usual, am not a native English speaker so please point any mistakes and I'll fix them. Thanks and enjoy <3

It was early when Heechul limped his way towards the meeting room, dragging his hurting left leg irritably. Last night was unusually cold, a sign of the rapidly approaching winter, a season he dreaded due to how his leg always seems to act up during it. Reaching the appointed room, he walked through the door but immediately stopped short when he saw only his distraught leader as the sole occupant. There were no sign of the others, be it members or managers. Was he too early? The watch on his wrist said he wasn't _that_ early. Puzzled, he proceed to grab a seat next to Leeteuk.

 

"Hey, where are the rest? Are they running late?" Heechul asked as he plopped down. Stretching his leg, he sighed in relief at the release of pressure on the limb.

 

Leeteuk didn't answer him though and was instead totally focused on arranging the contents of his bag. Tapping his long lean fingers on the desk, Heechul leaned back to stare at Leeteuk, noticing the bags under his eyes and beads of sweat on his forehead. He continued his observation and all the while Leeteuk kept rearranging the contents of his bag, movements jerky and uncoordinated. Heechul frowned when he realized Leeteuk kept repeating the same thing over and over again as if in trance.

 

Uh oh.

 

"Teukkie?" he called while tapping the other on the shoulder.

 

Finally Leeteuk seemed to realize that he was spoken to and he hummed distractedly, teeth biting his lower lips.

 

"What's wrong?"

 

"Nothing, nothing. It's okay," his voice betrayed his words with how it trembled and when his movements faltered, Heechul saw clearly how Leeteuk's hands shook.

 

"What are you doing?" Heechul prodded.

 

"Nothing, I'm doing nothing," Leeteuk's breaths came in short pants as Heechul watched with hawk's eyes. This show of behaviour had sadly became very familiar to the younger one and for a second he wondered what had triggered it.

 

"Where are the boys?" Heechul tried distracting him.

 

"I don't know. Out. Left. They left me. Left me here," Teuk's cryptic answer was accompanied by hand wringing and at the same time, his breathing rhythm grew erratic. He accidentally knocked down a bottle of water and flinched, eyes looking wildly all over the floor and Heechul knew he lost.

 

"Teuk, look at me. Jungsoo? Calm down,"

 

Leeteuk started to shake his head and Heechul knew he wasn't listening anymore. He gritted his teeth and swiveled Leeteuk's chair towards him. "Jungsoo?" he tried but received no answer as Leeteuk started to hyperventilate. Quickly dropping down, he tried to ignore the bolts of pain as his knees hit the floor. By then, Leeteuk had started to claw on his chest, panting wildly.

 

"Help, can't breathe Chul, can't -," Teuk was gasping at this point and Heechul quickly helped him lean forward.

 

"Listen to me. It's okay," Heechul said as he placed his hands on Leeteuk's bony knees. Although he tried to stay calm, he could and would never get used to Leeteuk in this condition.

 

"Breathe with me, Jungsoo. Inhale, one, two, three, four, five," through the noise in his head and the way Leeteuk shook, Heechul noticed that the other tried to follow his instructions. Leeteuk clamped his fingers around Heechul's wrists and the younger one quickly turned his palms upside to entwine their fingers, anchoring his friend.

 

"Alright, now exhale, one, two, three, four, five. Good good, you are doing good. Come on, like we practiced. Inhale, one, two, three, four, five," Heechul ordered gently and for almost fifteen minutes he repeated the breathing exercise. Slowly, Leeteuk's breathing returned to a semblance of normalcy and Heechul sit back, relieved. He released one of Teuk's hand to wipe a sweaty brow before patting Teuk's right cheek gently.

 

"I've got you, Jungsoo," Heechul said and Leeteuk nodded, pressing his heated cheek against Heechul's cold palm. His tired eyes were redrimmed, brimming with unshed tears as he leaned forwards to rest his head on their joint hands.

 

"Should you be kneeling on the floor?" Leeteuk's voice was raspy and heavy but tinged with concern. Heechul hmm-ed while he massaged the back of Leeteuk's pale neck, clever fingers untying the knot of muscles.

 

"I'm okay. You?"

 

Leeteuk shook his head as a sign of no. "I'm not okay, not yet," he whispered uncertainly but the admission had Heechul slightly at ease. The first part of dealing with a problem is admitting you had one, a lesson they both learnt from counselling throughout the years. Hearing Leeteuk saying it out loud showed how much he trusted Heechul.

 

"What's wrong?"

 

Leeteuk turned his head away and didn't answer so Heechul let the silence drag while he released the other. Grunting at the onslaughts of pain, he stood up and plopped back down onto his chair and stared at the latter intently. However, Leeteuk kept his eyes on the floor, unable to meet Heechul's gaze.

 

"What's wrong, Teukkie?" he tried again, this time squeezing Leeteuk's left knee. Instead of being verbal though, Teuk's clammy left hand grasped the hand on his knee, obviously seeking comfort. Heechul gave him a reassuring squeeze and some time to collect his mind. In due time, he felt Leeteuk squeezed back, conveying his gratefulness with the simple action.

 

"I don't want to talk about it," Leeteuk whispered after they had been sitting in silence for a couple of minutes. Heechul hummed and instead of prodding, he pulled Leeteuk so close to him the latter almost fell from his chair.

 

"I've got you, Jungsoo," he repeated, hand mussing Leeteuk's light hair. Silently syncing his breathing rhythm with Teuk to further calm the man, Heechul thought back to the last time he witnessed Leeteuk having an attack. Remembering that bleak SM Town concert several months ago, he tightened his hold.

 

"I've got you,"

 

_Flashback_

_Heechul slammed open the door just in time to see Shindong on the floor enveloping Leeteuk in a hug and rocking slightly, lips forming random soothing words in an attempt to soothe the shaking man. Seeing the event unfold in front of him, Heechul could only stare helplessly while Yesung, who had went to fetch him from the toilet, closed the door of their waiting room, shutting the buzzing world out. The room had been emptied out save for the four of them and Heechul was somewhat grateful for the small mercy._

_"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Leeteuk said, voice muffled by Shindong's shirt._

_"If I am better, if I am a better leader, a better person, we could have- could have-," unable to finish the sentence, Leeteuk breathed out heavily. There was so much pain and frustration in that single sound and for the first time in a long time, Heechul was at lost on what to say._

_"I feel sorry for all of you, I'm just sorry," hearing this, Heechul's heart ached at how defeated Leeteuk sounded._

_"No, don't Teukkie," Heechul rasped out, tears already stinging his eyes at the leader's self blame and obvious pain._

_"It's not your fault at all, hyung. We are all adults here. You don't have to blame yourself, we are not some fresh faced highschoolers anymore," Shindong quipped, obviously equally disturbed by Leeteuk's words._

_"You guys don't understand," Leeteuk shook his head, refusing to meet any of their eyes._

_"Of course we don't! You don't have to shoulder all the blame alone. You are not at fault for some of the things that had happened. They were out of our control," Heechul's exclamation was loud causing the others to flinch. He couldn't help feeling angry as this was actually the one thing they had disagreed on many times before._

_"You don't understand,"_

_"Stop saying that! You kept repeating that all these years. You even had panic attacks from blaming yourself. This is not healthy, Jungsoo. We really need to talk about this! You kept saying we don't understand, explain and make us understand then!" Heechul stubbornly ignored the look Shindong sent him. He didn't want to discuss this later, he wanted to discuss it now even if it meant forcing an answer out of an exhausted Leeteuk. Silence engulfed the room and all Heechul could hear was the blood rushing in his ears._

_"Chullie, a group is only as strong as the leader," Leeteuk said softly, breaking the still atmosphere while he disentangled himself from Shindong's hold. Keeping a tight grip on Shindong's forearm, Leeteuk continued. "If I messed up, it meant I messed up. But if any of the members messed up, it's also because I messed up. I'm the leader after all. If I am stronger, maybe we won't be in such a sorry state tonight," by then, Leeteuk had hung his head low, face tilted away from any of them. Heechul clenched his fists at the unfairness of it all._

_"But, but. To think like that is sad, Jungsoo!"_

_"That's true! That's just sad, Teuk hyung! Yes it was disappointing that there were only four of us on the stage today but it's not solely your fault!" Yesung who had been silent all this time added while banging his fist against the wall, clearly frustrated. They had gathered today in sombre mood and by the looks of it, the day will end as a bad day all around._

_Instead of answering, Leeteuk lifted his gaze when he heard Yesung's angry sniffles. He beckoned for both Heechul and Yesung to come closer and they huddled on the floor, sitting so close that they were almost on top of each other._

_"It's okay, kids. It's okay. I'm sorry, I will be stronger than this. I'm so sorry. Don't cry, it's going to be okay," Leeteuk uttered and instead of them relieving Leeteuk's doubts and worries, it was the other way around. Only when Leeteuk pulled Yesung into a hug, whispering soft words to the sobbing man did Heechul finally avert his eyes, unable to look at his friend anymore._

_In a way, he can finally understand._

_End of flashback_

 

"Your leg, is it hurting now?" Leeteuk's mumble dragged Heechul back from the bitter memory. Processing the questions, he let out a soft sigh.

 

"I'm okay. Worry about yourself more," he replied eventhough the throbbing pain didn't ease up. He could handle the pain if it meant that he could calm Leeteuk's nerves. He had to smile though when a tentative hand rubbed his left knee softly. It didn't help alleviate the pain at all but the effort just made him soft for his leader all over again.

 

"I'm sorry, Chullie. You have to bear all the pain so we can have more members on stage," it sounded like the thought had haunted Leeteuk and Heechul, again, ached for him. For a moment, he wondered if it was this that had forced Leeteuk into his panic state.

 

"Don't worry your pretty head, Jungsoo. I'm all good," he lied as he patted the back of Leeteuk's head.

 

"I miss everyone together, you guys are the only brothers I have," Leeteuk muttered brokenly.

 

"I know, I miss it too. Don't worry, Hyukjae, Hae and Siwonnie are already with us. Soon the maknaes will be out too. Slowly but surely we will have more of us. We have endured for so long, let's endure a little bit more and be even stronger later. Stop worrying so much and overthinking things. I've got you, we've got this," Heechul said firmly.

 

Immediately, Leeteuk body sagged down at Heechul's words almost like he was a puppet that had the ropes pulling his body taut cut.

 

"Heechul ah, don't you have any worries?" Leeteuk's tone was low as if he was ashamed of asking. Heechul's hand ceased patting while he contemplated the question and somehow there was this urge to just be honest,"

 

"Of course I do,"

 

"Tell me, please," Heechul took a deep breath and almost immediately he could feel Leeteuk stiffening again.

 

"I worry that I'm holding you guys back. Or that you guys decide I'm not worth holding back for. I worry that in ten years I might not be able to walk anymore. I worry that another scandal will break out. I worry that it's the end sooner rather than later. I worry that I won't have Super Junior to fall back to. I worry that I might lose you, any one of you," he said it matter of factly, all the while thinking of the sleepless nights he had all over the years.

 

"But- that- how do you live with them?" Leeteuk asked, clearly agonized at the mere thought of Heechul's list. Heechul could only shrug.

 

"If I really think about them and only focus on them, of course those thoughts are very scary. Of course it made me frightened for the future. But then, what good would it do me if I dwell on them? Right?" Leeteuk nodded hesitantly and Heechul resumed running his fingers through Leeteuk's soft hair.

 

"When- when we started, I was the one who was afraid that me and the kids were the ones holding you back and dragging you down," Leeteuk confessed and for a split second, Heechul was thrown back to those moments early on when he felt a little excluded and angry a lot of the times. Shaking his head, he answered fiercely.

 

"Never!"

 

"I know that now. We were foolish then, weren't we?"

 

"No we weren't. I was arrogant and moody. You were too busy playing mom," that earned him a watery laugh that soon turned into sniffles.

 

"Oh Jungsoo, you had it hard since the word go, didn't you?" Heechul said sadly.

 

"No, we all had it hard. I- I-," unable to continue, Leeteuk tried to muffle his sobs.

 

"Sweet, sweet Jungsoo. Don't you worry. It's okay. I'm here for you, it's okay,"

 

"I shouldn't complaint, I-," Leeteuk gritted out but was quickly shushed by Heechul.

 

"Shh, it's okay to complaint, it's okay to cry. You had it hard, it's okay. You did so well. Lean on me for once,"

 

"Thank you, chul. Thanks. Sometimes it's tough. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Leeteuk wept and Heechul let him. Let the other cry his disappointments and fears. Let the other express his frustrations and worries.

 

"We will be okay, don't you worry,"

 

They stayed touching and talking in hushed whispers, exchanging worries and words of assurance, not separating until the rest came back with bags of food from somewhere (Heechul later learnt that they went out to stretch their legs and grabbed some brunch while roaming around the shops near the building without telling anything to Teuk, which of course earned the members an earful of nagging). The boys didn't rib them though, quickly noticing the oldest expression as well as the small pile of tissues on the table.

 

Unanimously, because that's how the younger ones function, they surrounded their leader, some of them piling up on the table, chattering a mile a minute and quickly including Leeteuk in their conversation. Heechul watched, scooting his chair away to avoid being squished by an excited Donghae as Leeteuk listened along to whatever weird tale Eunhyuk had been telling with Siwon's arms draped around him comfortably. Heechul shared a look of understanding with Shindong and shook his head at the silent question on Yesung's face before he continued to watch as Leeteuk responded to, or at least tried to respond to the chaos that were the members around him.

 

Over the commotion of the boys talking on top of each other, Leeteuk's eyes met Heechul and he smiled, expression thankful. It was small but genuine and Heechul rejoiced in it. He knew it was a small step, knew that Leeteuk's worries and doubts weren't erased completely, might never be erased but he took comfort in that small smile.

 

There might be more bumps along their road ahead but now, in that moment, watching Leeteuk looking so at home as he stared fondly at the bickering boys, men (but they will always be Teuk's boys) surrounding him, Heechul knew without a doubt they will be able to get through anything. And if Leeteuk stumbled a bit, then Heechul will support him like the other had done for them all these years. If a group is as strong as the leader, Heechul knew he didn't even need to worry because Leeteuk is the strongest person he had the pleasure of knowing. After all, he got his boys, his brothers, every step of the way.

**Author's Note:**

> Please excuse the fic's cheesiness. I realized I wrote cheesy quite well lol. Sometimes, I am just overwhelmed by feels for them esp for Teuk that I had to write. Stay safe and healthy, suju boys <3
> 
> Can't wait for Ryeowook to be discharged so that I can start to get to know him better. His letters from army were all sweet and cute. Also want to see how all hyungs will spoil him lol and of course, want to see him in Super TV <333
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading <3
> 
> Suju forever! XD


End file.
